Be Brave

As we all come to the end of our various terms of school, or work, the endless expanse of time over the summer can be daunting - questions of: "am I doing enough?" "Am I doing too much?" "Should I be more social?" Tend to plague our minds, and make us run around in circles. So this short post is to say that whatever you are doing is already enough. Everyone is beautiful in their own way, and everyone has their own strengths and weaknesses. The summer is here, its the time for fun, for excessive drinking and summer flings, but if that's not for you?

It doesn't matter.

All that matters is that you and everyone around you is happy. So be brave, take the leap. Join a society, or make friends with people you wouldn't have chosen before. Take up a sport, or just spend a few days lazing around in front of the telly. Just be happy - after all we only have a few months before we have to wake up from the summer dreams.

Take advantage of this moment, of this time and be brave

Let's talk: glamorising mental illness

And thus (hopefully) ends another unplanned hiatus. I'm crawling out of my pit and back to this blog with an unfortunately bleak issue that is incredibly close to me, and something that has been gnawing away for a long time - arguably too long. So, fair warning, this post is not going to be a bucket full of laughs. Don't get me wrong, I could post something funny and witty but I don't want to demean the issue at hand. It's a big one. And it's growing.

The issue at hand: the glorification of  mental illness (read: I'm looking at you Skins).

Let me start by saying that I don't consider myself to be in this group. I feel this is fairly important so as to not look judging or biased: I'm not chronically unwell. I have a few issues, but I would never consider myself to be in the chronic depression group. And actually....a lot of other people aren't in this group, though you wouldn't know it. When people think of mental illness, they think of EST, they think of extreme psychopaths, they think of beautiful mad girls who scream crazy (*cough* Effy Stonem *cough). Actually...more often than not, most people fall on the less extreme end of the scale - but that's another issue.

For a long time the glorification of mental illness has gotten on my nerves. I ask you now, go on to tumblr and type in: "mental illness", "depression" and I'm willing to bet a fair amount of money that somewhere in the first few pages you'll find a black and white gif of Kaya Scodelario, paired with a suitably grungy comment (probably Lana Del Rey lyrics, that seems to be the thing at the moment) *

* I just did my own test. Five posts.

I suppose I find this issue all the more irritating, as I follow so many people who cry "don't glorify mental illness" then indeed do post one of the gifs/photos/images. I'm not saying that there aren't people out there who are deeply unwell, but the image of Effy Stonem ripping up pages and screaming that she's crazy is not the image of mental illness and should not be. Don't get me wrong, it's brave that Skins decided to take the issue in hand, and I applaud them for that. They've never shied away from issues at hand and that's great....admittedly they then totally crucified the important issues of mental illness and just turned it into a catalyst for another love triangle.....but maybe that's just my view. The problem is that the "Effy's" of the world don't really exist. Effy is a glorified, sanitised version of pyscosis who everyone seems to want to be just like -

Allow me to stop you there: you should not want to be like Effy. What Effy goes through is devastating, and destroys everyone around her-

But she looks so pretty..... (actual comment I heard when talking about this issue)

And that's your issue. Shoving a pretty face on top of a serious issue and throwing it on telly just pushes forward this stereotype of the mad pixie dream girl, and it has to stop. I'm being extreme, and shows like Bedlam and even My Mad Fat Diary are helping to close the gap and give an honest portrayal to mental illness, and that's great, that's amazing, but lets not forget: there are far more Rae's than there are Effy's.

Why liking different music isn't such a bad thing / reasons why One Direction, Miley Cyrus and Rihanna are not the be all and end all of the music industry

I suppose in a way, this is a somewhat of a follow up to my last post (what makes a horror movie scary?), in that it's again about music. What can I say? I really, really like music. Or, some types of music. Some music makes me want to claw my eyes out (*cough* One Direction *cough*), but most music just makes me happy. So I like writing posts about it. Anyway, onwards to the actual post. I had the shock of my life when I checked out my iPod this morning, as anyone who follows me on my instagram would have seen, when I looked at the weighing of my music, ie I have way more soundtracks and country albums than an 18 year old should have.

(my embarassing music faux pass - which I published on the internet!)

I mean yes, it's not as cringe worthy as the amount of soundtracks,  which is gut wrenchingly embarassing, but it's still pretty shaming. I suppose the reason why I have a secret love for country music is down to the fact that my parents love it because, let me tell you this - my friends do not. My friends, god love them, are massive fans of modern music (wow, way to sound old), things like One Direction, Miley Cyrus, Justin Bieber...well you get the idea. Me on the other hand, I get a kick out of listening to Nancy Griffiths, Tim McGraw, Taylor Swift (and I mean original Taylor, though I do love the RED album) and it's just...well it's embarassing. It's embarassing when someone asks you about so-and-sos and new song and you just sort of stare gormlessly at them because the last time you listened to Capital FM was months ago when you were in someone's car for all of five minutes.

But...why is it embarassing?

Is it embarassing because my music isn't widely listened to people my age? Is it because I don't like to stick out? Is there something genuinely wrong with not getting the appeal of the wide glassy eyed stare of a boy band who had their five minutes years ago? Or maybe...just maybe there's no issue with my music? Mine. I'm not forcing you to listen to it, but I like it. So I admit it here and now, I'm a country fangirl. I love the idea of writing stories into music, and in just having a simple lyric, and a crazy melody. I love the way that country music just makes you want to start tapping your foot on the floor, how it can make you feel so shamelessly good feeling. So yeah, I like country music. And why is that a bad thing?

I don't think it is.

I think we need variety in the world. I think we need to have different music tastes, if only to keep conversations ticking over. I think we need a new sound in the music industry, I think we need original lyrics, and sweeping melodies. I think we need to chill out when it comes to music too. Music's supposed to be fun, and I've been hit way too many times/shouted out/told to wash my mouth out for even daring to have a different opinion. But mainly I think we need to be proud of our differences, and people need to accept that sometimes the answer can not be found in Harry Styles "lusciously curly" birds nest....

Over and out (oh, and for those who want a taste of good old fashioned country music, I've attached a video below)

xx

What Makes a Horror Movie Scary?

This may seem a rather random and unexpected post, but I am genuinely wondering this. In fact, it was yesterday, when I was traipsing down the road to my house down the longest road to man kind (I truly believe it deserves a record) that I stumbled on this topic. I should probably explain now, these long walks I go on sometimes are where I get these blog ideas and things like that from, so blame my rambles on bus diversions (damn you Bozza). Anyway, for anyone who knows me well enough to have an idea about my music collection, which truthfully, isn't many people, they will know that I have a borderline addiction to soundtrack music. Currently on my iPod I have these sountracks:

Doctor Who (all of them from the reboot onwards so around seven albums)
Now You See Me
Two Steps from Heaven
Harry Potter
Glee (would we call Glee a soundtrack?)
Narnia
The Great Gatsby
The 2012 Olympics (no seriously)
Pitch Perfect

So, as you can see, I think I'm pretty qualified to talk about soundtracks. I may not have a degree in music, but I'm a full blown soundtrack junkie. It's almost embarrassing. Anyway, my big main question is this: what is it that makes a horror movie scary. Is it the acting (which nine times out of ten is more wooden than an oak tree)? Is it the special effects? Is it the fact that people completely and 100% buy in to the most ridiculous plots? Or, is it the music?

I like to believe it is the music, and I think I can prove this quite simply. Next time you're watching a horror movie, and it gets to the terrifying moment where the heroine is neatly/brutally hacked to death, and turn the volume down. Put on the subtitles, but see if the scene still scares you. I think you'd be surprised.....

Oh, and just to prove my point further, try listening to this little gem alone in your house without screaming and running out the room. Bet you can't.

Understanding (my) Anxiety

I felt this post was a really important one to make, and it's one I've been tempted to write for a while now, but it is a personal one. This post is not going to be a funny one, or a really serious one, but it is going to be real. Anxiety is something I deal with, but I felt this post was important to make, to help not only others understand what it is like to live with anxiety, but to help myself.

I should start by saying that, if you have been watching "Bedlam" on C4, my anxiety is nothing like that. My anxiety is a low level anxiety, however in the midst of a panic attack, it feels nothing like low. I suppose I have had anxiety for a long time, it's only when I sit down and try and piece the jigsaw together, to help understand triggers and meanings, that I do realise how long I had let it go unnoticed. That's not my fault. My anxiety comes in fits and bouts. I could have years without an anxiety attack and then suddenly get one out of the blue, and then another one days later, then months of nothing. They're not regular, and they don't impact my life on a daily basis. That's why my anxiety is considered to be "low". I agree with this. Unlike the stereotypical image of anxiety, I do not walk out of my house terrified of the world around me, and nine times out of ten, I'm totally fine. It's that one chance though, that terrifies me.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with my anxiety, but when I did, it was because of something so monumental, I cringe to even think about it. In hindsight, I am completely thankful for that massive meltdown. It helped me realise that there was something wrong, something ticking away in the back of my subconscious somewhere that had surfaced to life. And I didn't deny my anxiety. I accepted it there and then that there was something wrong with me, and I made tracks to make the improvement, tracks I still make on a weekly basis, through the godsend that is Bromley Y.

And yet, accepting my anxiety is only one part of it. It is ironic I find, that my biggest weakness - my anxiety, is formed out of my strongest quality - my loyalty. I am not anxious for myself it seems, but for what other people could do to themselves, and this manifests through an almost total aversion to alcohol and eating simultaneously. Indeed, the moments that forced my anxiety to the furthest point, are moments which I can barely think about without freaking out. I think you'd find it hard not to freak out though, if someone close to you stopped breathing for two minutes, or if you took on the responsibility of someone who was clearly out of control. I am, to my friends, the strong one. The one who deals with situations and takes them in my stride. Who can figure out some sort of plan to get people out a situation under even the worst pressures. I won't deny this isn't me. It is, however it is one side to me. What people it seems, do not realise about the flip side of the coin. The side that has no control, and who freaks out if you get that little bit too drunk

I will also admit that I took on this role too readily. I was too happy to jump in and be their protector, and to help them at the end of the night, putting their happiness before my own. I accept that. But I also don't know how to break out of that. And this, this is where I find myself staring at the brick wall of anxiety.

For all of my acceptance, I have no clue how to break down my anxiety's.

Dealing with anxiety is not as simple as people think. It is not a case of taking "dutch courage", or in throwing yourself into situations, because certainly for me, my anxiety doesn't want to let me take control. Indeed, when I have an anxiety attack, it is the anxiety that controls me, 100%. I don't want that to be the case, but it is difficult to know where to start, when you have years of foundations to knock down. I think now, the primary reason for why I made this blog post, is because we are now entering the christmas party season, and whilst for a lot of people, they love it and look forward to it, I truly and 100% dread it.

I dread the idea that someone could get hurt, could drink too much and end up endangering themselves, or that even in the most extreme situations that they could get far more than a hangover. My friends are the best of me, yet they are the worst of me. I am totally and 100% jealous of the fact that they can just let go and live life like that, whilst I am crippled with fear. It's not fair, but its something I'm working on, and that is all I can do right now.

It's not really a resolution. It's not really anything at all. But it's not easy to put a full stop on anxiety, and I don't think it ever will be.

The Pursuit of Material Goods - in other words, why technology is a biting addiction - and a hard one to kick

I should say now, that I'm incredibly sorry for my lack of posts. Indeed, I got a message from Tashia who asked me to, quote "do more rants". I suppose, in a way this is a rant, but maybe on the other hand its more of a plea, or a revelation. I don't really know, all I do know is that I suddenly, and crazily had an idea and an urge to knock it down. So here it is: technology. I know what you're saying, that's a wide field, technology brings us joy, and wonder, and has brought science forward - well yes, it has. It has also sent us totally backwards. I should specify, the technology I'm talking about is that of the iPhone and BlackBerry craze (yes, lets be real, it is a craze).

So lets start with the iPhone. This revelation came to me about....35 hours or so, when I burst into violent tears and was a shaking mess because my phone wasn't responding (admittedly, it had been submerged in water, and possibly half an hour in a bowl of rice was pushing it in terms of recovery). I turned mildly neurotic and very angry in the space of five seconds, before my mum finally reminded me "it's just technology". Didn't matter though, as far as I was concerned, my life was over. The extension of my hand, was gone. I'm not kidding when people have said to me "are you okay?" when I haven't had my iPhone in my hand. I will admit hand on heart, that I have an addiction to my phone, and I never knew I had one. Of course, over the 34 hours that I've spent away from my phone, I've realised how much I do need it, and probably should treasure it more, but that's besides the point. The point it more, that I had such an extreme reaction, over a piece of technology that worries me. Even this morning, when I was freaking out about the fact that I couldn't get sound I hulked it up for a number of minutes. Those sort of reactions: not good.

I also think, the rise of the BlackBerry and iPhone craze is one that we could definitely have skipped. Five years ago, the demand for smartphones was non existent outside of working businesses. Now, certainly in cities, everyone has one, from 11 year old's to 50 year old's. I'm not saying it's a bad thing that people are tapping into technology at younger and older ages, no it's good, it's great that you can have independence through technology, and find your own way, but with the internet seeming increasingly dangerous, we must remember to plug out of our computers and our phones every now and then, and just be.

It's actually not that bad out there, in the real world. Yes, it's frustrating being packed out on a bus with 11 year olds, and not being able to sink into your music to block out the screeches, but it's also not going to kill you to have a day or so out from technology. What I actually found during my impromptu cold turkey, was I need my phone, but not for music, or for texting, but for the simple fact of, I need it to tell the time. Fun fact, you don't. It's called a wrist watch. If I had remembered to put that on in the morning before bolting out of the door, I don't think I'd need my iPhone at all, and I found it strangely calming to sit on the bus and just read, totally absorbed by the book.

So I suppose, this post is a small reminder. The virtual world is fab. But real life is ticking by, and sometimes, sometimes people need to remember that life doesn't stop when your phone does. And by people, I don't just mean myself.

All Aboard the Good Ship "Safe Internet Use"

I've been meaning to do something on this for a good long while, but in light of recent events to hit the news, this post seems all the more relevant. It's on one thing, and one thing only: how to use the internet in three easy steps.

Step one: Don't put any personal information out there. To anyone. That means addresses and numbers, hometowns and the like. Doesn't matter how long you've known them, I've known a group of people on the internet for a good six or seven months. We follow each other on twitter and instagram, and some skype each other, but it goes no further than that. Do not put information out there that could be dangerous to you.

Step two: Do not put personal stuff on the internet. This is different from personal information, this is about things personal to you - how you feel, if you're depressed, unstable, suicidal. People can use that against you, and the wrong people will use it. The same goes for photos: they could end up anywhere, and you probably won't find out.

Step three: Enjoy the internet. Find sites that you feel comfortable on and use them, BUT if you're on a sight that is making you unhappy, do not stay on that site. At the end of the day, it's your choice to be on there, and it can be hard to break out of a habit, but if the thought of going onto a site makes you unhappy, just don't go on it.

Step three is kind of the most important to be honest. What happened recently is a terrible thing, it is, and there is no way to explain how terrible it is, but: it is at the end of the day, your choice to be on the internet. Trolls don't have a hold over you, you don't have to do anything for them, if you just step away. You get days where you have no creativity, or you don't want to talk to people, and you just want to punch things viciously and throw things. That's okay. I've had days like that, when I've received anon hate. I did two things: I stepped away from the computer and I had my melt down. Sure, I ended up forking out £20 because I smashed up some candles, but that's better than damaging my skin, or my life. And the second thing I did: I turned off the anon option. I took a few days out, gained perspective again, and took away the trolls one route to me.

People who call for the internet to be moderated forget one thing: you can't expect 180 people to man 6 million blogs or whatever. It's not fair. The internet is a great place, but it's also a horrible place. Times have changed, people need to wake up and smell the coffee. It isn't the place of the people running the sites to teach you how to behave - it's your place. To use the internet safely, people need to be calm, considerate and use it with intelligence and common sense.

As soon as there's a cultural shift, then maybe, just maybe people will stop calling for the same out dated arguments, and start realizing that our safety on the internet is down to only one person. Ourselves.