Understanding (my) Anxiety

I felt this post was a really important one to make, and it's one I've been tempted to write for a while now, but it is a personal one. This post is not going to be a funny one, or a really serious one, but it is going to be real. Anxiety is something I deal with, but I felt this post was important to make, to help not only others understand what it is like to live with anxiety, but to help myself.

I should start by saying that, if you have been watching "Bedlam" on C4, my anxiety is nothing like that. My anxiety is a low level anxiety, however in the midst of a panic attack, it feels nothing like low. I suppose I have had anxiety for a long time, it's only when I sit down and try and piece the jigsaw together, to help understand triggers and meanings, that I do realise how long I had let it go unnoticed. That's not my fault. My anxiety comes in fits and bouts. I could have years without an anxiety attack and then suddenly get one out of the blue, and then another one days later, then months of nothing. They're not regular, and they don't impact my life on a daily basis. That's why my anxiety is considered to be "low". I agree with this. Unlike the stereotypical image of anxiety, I do not walk out of my house terrified of the world around me, and nine times out of ten, I'm totally fine. It's that one chance though, that terrifies me.

It took a long time for me to come to terms with my anxiety, but when I did, it was because of something so monumental, I cringe to even think about it. In hindsight, I am completely thankful for that massive meltdown. It helped me realise that there was something wrong, something ticking away in the back of my subconscious somewhere that had surfaced to life. And I didn't deny my anxiety. I accepted it there and then that there was something wrong with me, and I made tracks to make the improvement, tracks I still make on a weekly basis, through the godsend that is Bromley Y.

And yet, accepting my anxiety is only one part of it. It is ironic I find, that my biggest weakness - my anxiety, is formed out of my strongest quality - my loyalty. I am not anxious for myself it seems, but for what other people could do to themselves, and this manifests through an almost total aversion to alcohol and eating simultaneously. Indeed, the moments that forced my anxiety to the furthest point, are moments which I can barely think about without freaking out. I think you'd find it hard not to freak out though, if someone close to you stopped breathing for two minutes, or if you took on the responsibility of someone who was clearly out of control. I am, to my friends, the strong one. The one who deals with situations and takes them in my stride. Who can figure out some sort of plan to get people out a situation under even the worst pressures. I won't deny this isn't me. It is, however it is one side to me. What people it seems, do not realise about the flip side of the coin. The side that has no control, and who freaks out if you get that little bit too drunk

I will also admit that I took on this role too readily. I was too happy to jump in and be their protector, and to help them at the end of the night, putting their happiness before my own. I accept that. But I also don't know how to break out of that. And this, this is where I find myself staring at the brick wall of anxiety.

For all of my acceptance, I have no clue how to break down my anxiety's.

Dealing with anxiety is not as simple as people think. It is not a case of taking "dutch courage", or in throwing yourself into situations, because certainly for me, my anxiety doesn't want to let me take control. Indeed, when I have an anxiety attack, it is the anxiety that controls me, 100%. I don't want that to be the case, but it is difficult to know where to start, when you have years of foundations to knock down. I think now, the primary reason for why I made this blog post, is because we are now entering the christmas party season, and whilst for a lot of people, they love it and look forward to it, I truly and 100% dread it.

I dread the idea that someone could get hurt, could drink too much and end up endangering themselves, or that even in the most extreme situations that they could get far more than a hangover. My friends are the best of me, yet they are the worst of me. I am totally and 100% jealous of the fact that they can just let go and live life like that, whilst I am crippled with fear. It's not fair, but its something I'm working on, and that is all I can do right now.

It's not really a resolution. It's not really anything at all. But it's not easy to put a full stop on anxiety, and I don't think it ever will be.